Emily Dicks Magazine

Something. Emily Dickinson. Something else. 

Attempting to figure out why people have such an issue with quiet people is a daunting task. I’t like peeling an onion, going through layer after layer, and then eventually dumping the bits of onion into a frying pan, making tacos, eating them while watching Gossip Girl, and forgetting about the whole thing. 

Here is an excerpt from a conversation recently had between one person, and another person:

One Person: It would help things if you were more social.

Other Person: I’m totally social, I’ve gone out with people like five times!

One Person: People who are social here go out like every day.

Other Person: (Blink. Blink.) 

Emily Dickinson suffered the stroke that eventually killed her two days later on May 13th in 1886. Her last correspondence ever written simply said, “called back.” 

Mine would have said, “just text me.” 

“There is always one thing to be grateful for - that one is one’s self and not somebody else.”  - Emily Dickinson 

You know that feeling where you have to pee really bad, and then you get close to a restroom and the need to pee is amplified a million times because your body knows that relief is near? Well that’s how I feel when I can see the entrance to my apartment. Sometimes I walk in the door and exclaim “SAFE!” Not like “oh I’m safe,” but like in baseball. SAFE! 

It is snowing outside and I’m delighted. Do you know why? It’s not because it’s quaint or whatever, to look out the window and be all like, “oh, look, snow,” it’s because a snowy day is a valid excuse for staying inside. If my phone were to ring (god forbid) right this moment and the person on the other end proposed some sort of plan, I could very easily, and quite legitimately, be like, “oh, I wish I could (do whatever it is you’re asking me to do) but I can’t, it’s snowing.” This can be done seasonally and switched out with basically any weather that’s happening at the time. See:

- “Oh, I’d love to, but it’s just way too hot! I’ll pass out!

- “Sounds fun, but it sure is raining outside.”

- “This wind! My bangs would be all over the place.”

- “You know, it’s such a nice day outside, I think I’ll just spend it at the park with a book.” (This is a brave one because if the person you’re talking to decides to “surprise” you at the park with a book of their own, they’ll come to find that by park you meant, “at home on the couch watching 21 Jumpstreet re-runs.”

Sometimes you’ll encounter a friend who’s one of those “seize the day” people. These people won’t be phased by weather excuses and will tell you something like “put on a hat! I’ve got five umbrellas!” The best way to respond to this is to just say, “my immune system …” and then trail off and let the phone hit the ground.